Remember the old days (in the last century) when your parents told you to go to school, stay out of trouble, keep your nose clean, study hard, get good grades, get a good job, work there for 40 or 50 years, retire, move to Florida and enjoy the good life?  Were you told this like I was?  How’s that working out?  That may have worked at some point way back in the past, but even ten year olds know that it doesn’t work this way today.

Networking has always been a smart thing to do and never more so than today.  Especially today.  Networking is the cultivating of mutually beneficial, give-and-take, win-win relationships.  In a more and more interconnected world it is very smart to build strong networks.  The days of working in a silo and not connecting with folks outside of your silo are over.  Just look at Social Networking.  Facebook, Plaxo, Twitter, LinkedIn, Naymz, and the list goes on and on.  Your world is getting smaller with every connection you make.

Connecting is all about your friendliness, your ability to engage, and your willingness to give value first.  More than likely, your next job, business opportunity, client or strategic alliance is going to come from networking and not from old-school advertising or similar means.  This is a great time to be in business.  As long as you’re someone who gives value first.  People are looking to do business with people they like, know and trust.

Networking is important because in the world today, it isn’t just who you know, it’s who knows you and what you do.  Effectively networking and adding value to your network comes back in many ways and often in very unlikely places.  This makes perfect sense when you start to see all the hidden connections that we have with each other.  And although it’s a cliché, “What goes around, comes around” is pretty much right on the mark.  Build your network, add value, seek to serve and let the chips fall.  I’m betting they’ll fall in your favor.

When you're networking remember that everyone has WIIFM written on their forehead in invisible ink.  "What's In It For Me?"  This is true regardless of the person's age, gender, occupation or anything else.  There are some things that we all share in common and this is one of them.  There is no subject that is more interesting to each of us than ourselves.  So the best networkers remember this and use it to create win-win relationships.  Now, let's clarify upfront that we're not talking about manipulation or slickness.  Although, if you look up manipulation in the dictionary it means "to handle skillfully".  Most of us could use a little more skillful handling although the word "manipulation" is usually used in a negative connotation.
 
So, knowing that people like to talk about themselves, it's not a stretch to realize that the other person is looking for a way for this potential networking relationship to benefit them.  And so are you.  And that's the definition of a mutually beneficial win-win relationship.  This is the essence of successful networking.  As obvious as this may sound, there are bajillions of people that don't understand this.  And they have all the evidence to prove it.  Sometimes you even see a lot of dead bodies in their wake.  Well, maybe not dead bodies, but folks that are very unlikely to ever do business with or refer business to these people.
 
As you're getting to know your networking partners always keep in the forefront of your mind that you should be thinking of ways that you can add value to their professional life.  As they are describing what they do for a living be listening closely to what a good prospect or referral is for them.  Don't be thinking about what you're going to say next.  Focus on listening.  After they're done explaining their ideal referral, start running through your mental Rolodex looking for good fits.  If you need additional clarification ask them for it.  The more that you know about what their ideal referral looks like, the more likely you'll be in a position to refer business to them. 
 
One of the nice serendipities of remembering WIIFM is that WIIFM often results in WIIFY.  "What's In It For You."  Because if there's nothing in it for them, there's probably nothing in it for you either.  Maybe short-term, but definitely not long-term.  And that's how you can identify a professional networker.  They are only interested in mutually beneficial, win-win, long-term relationships.  Actually, individually beneficial, win-lose, short-term relationships aren't even called relationships; they're called transactions.  And transactions are like commodities.  Things that you're just looking for the lowest cost of.  There are no people who are commodities, only people who think like commodities.  Remember WIIFM and you'll see a difference in your networking and your business results.

Because people can't read minds, we make decisions about the folks that we meet and network based on things like clothes, body language, eye contact and other factors.  Of course, we also make decisions based on the other person's credibility as it relates to what kind of work they do.  But there is something that a lot of people don't think about when they're networking that they should notice about themselves and others.  Enthusiasm.  Are we giving the impression that we enjoy the kind of work that we do?  Are we giving the impression that we're interested in the other person?  Quite often, people don't realize that they are sending mixed signals.

Have you ever met the person who says they're excited and you're thinking "Why don't you notify your face?"  I meet them from time to time.  People are picking up subtle clues all the time as to the congruency of our messages.  Is what we're thinking, saying and doing in alignment?  This is a question that deserves some thought before we get into a networking conversation.
 

The word "enthusiasm" comes from the Greek word "entheos".  No, I'm not going to be like the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and try to convince you that all words can be traced back to Greece.  Entheos means "having God within".  If God is within someone it's probably a good bet that they're fully alive.  This isn't about religion, it's about inspiration and excitement.  When you're meeting people, kick it up a notch.  Don't start bouncing off the walls or acting weird.  Just remember that you're opening up a relationship and who knows where it can go?  This is exciting!  When you're a professional in your line of work, the other person is fortunate to make your acquaintance and you're lucky to make theirs.  This is the start of a mutually-beneficial relationship.

Put on your game face the next time you're networking.  You're there to meet people and see folks that you already know.  We all like being around people that have a little skip in their step and that are up.  Make it a goal to be positive and enthusiastic the next time you're out and about.  And the beautiful thing is that whatever we give we receive in return.  See how the energy in the conversation changes when you inject a little enthusiasm.  You will become someone that people want to be around.  And that's fun and profitable for everyone.

We never outgrow the need to have our feelings known and much of the conflict in our lives can be explained by one simple fact: people don’t really listen to each other.  In a more and more hyper-paced world we sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that we can do more than one thing at a time.  The truth is that we just end up doing one thing poorly after another.  We’ve gained unparalleled access to information and lost something very important.  We’ve lost the habit of concentrating our attention. 

The simple art of listening isn’t so simple.  Take the time to focus and listen to people.  Regardless of how much we take it for granted, the importance of listening cannot be overestimated.  The gift of our attention and understanding makes other people feel validated and valued.  Our ability to listen, and listen well, creates goodwill that comes back to us.  But effective listening is also the best way to enjoy others, to learn from them, and to make them interesting to be with.

Effective networking is a lot like matchmaking.  As you are out and about meeting people, always be thinking about who they should know.  By taking a sincere interest in people and learning what kind of work they do, you will be able to refer people and resources to them.  You can always tell when you’re dealing with a good networker when they say, “You know, I need to introduce you to so and so.”  That differentiates them from a lot of people right there but the great networkers take it one more step.  They actually facilitate the introduction.

Anyone can say that I need to introduce you to so and so, but the pros actually do it.  This may sound shocking, but so does the fact that people do things that they know are bad for them.  We all do this in different areas of our lives.  We’re all hypocrites in some way.  If you’re not, let’s get your name to the Vatican for instant sainthood.  The bottom line is that “To know and not to do, is really not to know.”

When I facilitate a connection by email I use a basic template.  I modify it to suit the particular situation, but I’ve found over time that the basic format works really well for most occasions.  Here’s what I often use:

“Linda and Fred,

You're both friends of mine who I think should meet each other.

Recently, I spoke with you, Linda, about __________.

 Fred is a good friend of mine and is also a tremendous ______________ professional.  He doesn't have any tape on his glasses, has no pocket protector and can spell P&L.  He's got both sides of his brain working very well.  (Let's talk about him like he's not reading this)

I think you'll see a lot of value in having a conversation with him about __________.  Fred doesn't put round pegs in square holes and truly takes a sincere interest in helping people.  If he can't help you, he'll steer you to someone who can.

This is about both of you so I'll step back from the conversation at this point unless you have something that you'd like to discuss with me.

Eager to serve you,                                                                                                                                                      Kev”

Facilitate introductions and expect nothing in return.  Do it because it’s the right thing to do and because what we give comes back to us.  If you’re making introductions because you think that people will now owe you, it will backfire in your face.  That’s a transaction, not a relationship.  The irony is that when we pay it forward and spread the love with no expectation of reward, it often shows up.  And it often shows up in unexpected places.  What goes around comes around.  Develop the reputation as someone who is a great networker and business matchmaker and people will beat a path to your door.  It’s always about relationships.

We never outgrow the need to have our feelings known.  When we meet people we need to remember that everyone likes to feel appreciated.  Whether the person is a white collar, blue collar or no collar worker, we are all so much more similar than we are different.  DNA has proven this.  I’ve heard that all humans are genetically 99% the same.  It’s the 1% difference that we tend to see and focus on.  Skin color, height, gender, hair or lack thereof…you know the drill.  I also recently heard that all life on earth is at least genetically 90% the same, whether you’re talking about a banana or a whale.  Well, I know some people that have much more in common with bananas than humans, but I digress.

Much of the conflict in our lives can be explained by one simple fact: people don’t really listen to each other.  We fool ourselves into thinking that we can do more than one thing at a time.  The truth is that we just end up doing one thing poorly after another.  We’ve gained unparalleled access to information and lost something very important.  We’ve lost the habit of concentrating our attention.  The simple art of listening isn’t so simple.

When we’re meeting and getting to know someone at a networking event (and by the way, everything is a networking event), in order to listen well, we must forget ourselves and submit to the other person’s need for attention.   Let them talk.  And don’t be worried about what you’re going to say next.  If you’re worrying about that, you’re not listening.  Many people worry that they’re never going to be able to get a word in.  Don’t worry about that, because until the other person has had their say, they won’t hear a thing that you’re about to say anyway. 

Regardless of how much we take it for granted, the importance of listening cannot be overestimated.  It’s only everything.  Remember this.  Actually, the less you say and the more you guide the conversation by the effective use of questions, the more the other person will consider you the most charming conversationalist in the world.  The gift of our attention and understanding makes other people feel validated and valued.  Our ability to listen, and listen well, creates goodwill that comes back to us.  And effective listening is also the best way to enjoy others, to learn from them, and to make them interesting to be with.  Listen up.

There was a time in business when there was your personal life and there was your business life.  I think that most people would agree that those lives started to blur together a long time ago.  With the advent of Social Networking, the dividing line has completely evaporated for a lot of us.  Personally, I think this is a great thing.  We’re not talking about stalking here, we’re talking about transparency.  This is our opportunity to let people know that we’re not corporate drones and that we have souls and are compassionate.  Being a great businessperson, networker, or whatever and caring about people are not mutually exclusive.

We need to remember that we’re not dealing with companies, corporations, institutions and son on – we’re dealing with people.  It’s easy to forget that sometimes, especially when you’re in line at the DMV and places like that.  We feel like we’ve become part of “the Borg” and that we are being assimilated.  Stay conscious and remember that these places are run by people.  Just like you.

It’s amazing what can happen when we take the extra minute to connect with people on a personal level.  It’s so simple to find fault with people and processes but it takes a more enlightened person to sneak up and catch people doing something right.  Look for opportunities to show appreciation with everybody.  At a seminar I was once leading I asked the attendees to compliment at least five people during the lunch break.  After lunch I brought someone on stage and asked him how he did.  He said that the first four went okay, but had a hard time with the fifth.  I asked why.  He said, “I met this really overweight lady and struggled and struggled as to how to compliment her.”  So I asked, “Did you come up with something?”  He said, “Yeah. I told her that she didn’t sweat much for a fat lady.”  I laughed so hard that I think some pee came out.  Not exactly what we were shooting for, but the attempt was there.

The point here is to take the time to make every interaction personal.  Find something good about everyone.  Take the extra second and ask how someone is doing and really listen.  You don’t have to solve all their problems or cure world hunger.  Just take a sincere interest in them.  Make things personal.  All things being equal, people do business with and refer business to people they like, know and trust.  True as gravity.  Great networking maxim.  Especially take the extra second when you feel you are dealing with a bureaucracy.  This is your test.  Spread the love.  Never pass up an opportunity to make it personal. 

We become like the people we associate with.  This is true whether we’re five or fifty-five.  There are certain kids that we don’t want our kids to hang around with.  The reason for this is because we intuitively know that we become like the people we associate with and we don’t want our kids becoming like “those kids”.  So, at what age does that change?  It doesn’t.  Adults are just kids with long, hairy legs.  Just like little kids, we become like the people we associate with. 

Knowing this, it may serve us well to choose to associate with positive, uplifting people.  I’m not talking about hanging around with people that are in denial that there is crap in the world; just people who choose to focus on the positive.  Everyone has crap in their life and anyone who tells you that they don’t needs a checkup from the neck up.  We all have crap, but it’s not what happens, but how we handle it.

Ever meet that guy or girl that you’re afraid to ask “So, what’s new?”  We’ve all met them and from time to time we are them.  That’s just being human.  The key is to choose to focus on the positive.  It’s much more enjoyable to spend time with people who are uplifting and positive.  It’s also a sign of their intelligence.  Because everything is a choice, including and especially our attitude.  Be a positive person and people will want to spend time with you.

Great networkers know that you only have a few seconds to make a first impression.  Remember that when networking, always keep it positive.  Anyone can complain about work, the weather, and the last episode of Lost, whatever.  Rise above that.  Find something positive to talk about with your networking partners and they will flock to you.  Be the person that people enjoy spending time with because they feel better when they leave you than when they met you.  Not because they’re leaving you, but because they met you.  Big difference.

Make it a goal that when you are networking or just going about your daily activities (they’re actually one and the same) to see how long you can go without saying something negative.  It may be surprising to find out how long you can make it.  When people start complaining about something, try and turn the conversation to something positive.  It’s not always easy, but hang in there.  Any dead fish can float down stream.  Swim upstream.  Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people and your whole life will change.  Life is too short to be bummed out.  Keep it positive.

There are a lot of strategies and techniques that are proposed to break people’s attention and get them to focus on us and our message.  I find that most of these maneuvers are very self-serving and pretty simple to see through.  I also believe that only every waking moment of our lives we are sending messages that I call “tells”.  In Vegas, a “tell” is a sign that you give off unintentionally regarding what you’re holding in your hand.  Actually, we give off “tells” all the time.  The question is whether we are aware we are doing this or not.

Not to be sexist, women tend to pick up on tells more frequently than men.  Maybe it’s their intuition, or their experience in reading through a lot of b.s. from guys.  Who knows?  As guys, we often don’t realize that our body language, eye contact, intonation, listening, or lack of these things is sending a message.  This post isn’t designed to be an armchair psychological analysis, but if you’ve been around for a while you know what I’m talking about.

Because I’m not smart enough to memorize all kinds of clever ninja moves when it comes to networking and building relationships, I choose to use a very simple approach.  When you’re meeting someone for the first time, after you get to know a little bit about them, ask them “How may I serve you?”  And ask it sincerely.  This will probably cause the other person to stop in their tracks.  And that’s a good thing.  You have gotten their attention.  Now, this isn’t about manipulation or cleverness, this is about taking a sincere interest in the other person and letting them know that you are wanting to help them in some way.

Unless you’re talking to Hannibal Lechter, you’re going to start your relationship in a great way.  Actually, if you were speaking to Hannibal Lechter, he’d probably be thinking about how he would serve you. Maybe with a little Chianti and fava beans.  But I digress.  Think about the last time that someone asked you how they could serve you.  I’m guessing that it’s been a while.  If not, please introduce me to the person that asked you how they could serve you.  I’d like to meet them.  That’s the kind of person I’d like to know.

Seek to serve and everything else will fall into place.  Don’t waste your time trying to memorize clever opening lines and other networking Rubik’s Cubes.  If something seems hard to learn, it’s usually because it is.  It’s a BFO- a blinding flash of the obvious.  Always seek the natural way.  What could be more natural in starting a new relationship than asking “How may I serve you?”  And always remember that we only get back what we give.  It’s a universal law.  I’m willing to bet that when you are known as a person of service and value you’ll have a lot of people that will respond in kind.  So…how may I serve you?

You would have to be Tom Hanks living on an island with a volleyball named Wilson not to know that Social Media is hotter than a blowtorch right now.  And while that’s all well and good, there are many, many people who seem to have forgotten that traditional networking still exists.  Actually, it’s stronger than ever for real networkers because the effective use of Social Media opens up tons of doors for traditional networking.

Up until a few years ago, you never had to differentiate between “offline” and “online” networking.  Social Media/Networking has changed all that.  And while they may seem separate, in fact, they are far more alike than different.  The irony is that we are not networking “with” computers, but “through” computers.  And the best networkers move it offline as quickly as they can in order to develop true relationships with their networking partners.

Organizations like BNI and Le Tip have been around for decades because “All things being equal, people do business with and refer business to people they like, know and trust.”  True as gravity.  Every city in the country has weekly face-to-face networking meetings that are goldmines for effective and professional networkers.  The key here is “effective and professional”.  As in anything there are amateurs and there are professionals.  The professional networkers understand that networking is about building and enhancing mutually-beneficial win-win relationships.  Not transactional relationships.  There are no people who are commodities, only people who think like commodities.

Check the business section of your local paper and at least once a week there will be a listing of all the upcoming networking meetings.  It may serve you well to schedule at least one networking meeting per week into your calendar.  “But, Kev…you don’t know how busy I am.”  That’s what amateurs say.  Try this one on “I’m too busy to kiss my wife or spend time with my kids.”  How’s that fitting on you?  Not so good, huh?  Be that way, and soon you won’t have any wife or kids to worry about.  Same thing with your network.

There are a lot of people out there right now who thought they had safe, secure jobs and then one day they wake up and their world is turned upside down.  When’s the best tie to plant a tree?  Twenty years ago.  When’s the second best time to plant a tree?  Now.  Complaining that there isn’t enough time to network is the same as complaining that there isn’t enough time to eat right and exercise.  Everyone has the same twenty-four hours a day.  In reality, no one on earth has a time problem- we have priority problems.  This may hurt, but it’s true.

Take a few minutes and either look in your local paper or online and find a few networking meetings in your area this week.  Go.  Show up.  Add value.  Ask people how you may serve them.  It may blow their minds.  And that’s a good thing.  Pay it forward.  Dig your well before you need the water.